"There are diamonds in the middle of it, great stuff in there. And there's stuff that could be a load of tut."
Shall we play a game? Was Lord Sugar talking about tonight's task… or just The Apprentice in general? Because while there might be a few gems in the pack, it's quite clear that some of the candidates fit into that famous phrase about not being able to polish a… Well, you get the idea.
We're into the 12th series of The Apprentice by now and we know what to expect – more waffle than a hipster brunch joint as the candidates big themselves up beyond all reason; the melancholy air of the wipe-clean surfaces in the Bridge Cafe; someone interrupting Lord Sugar during his final summing up (how do they not know by now?); the terrible reward for the winning team which even had them laughing in derision (lindy hop or Lord Sugar – take your pick).
And, of course, the terrible team names – Titans for the men, and Nebula for the women ("It's an interstellar collection of gas and dust," Aleksandra pitched eagerly. So, a lot of hot air then? We'll say this for her, though – she sold it to her team. That bodes well for when she has to shovel a wheelbarrow of chocolate teapots to a high-end supermarket later on in the series).
However, one person seems not to have seen The Apprentice: Lord Sugar. Early on in the show, he lectured the candidates on working well with each other, even going so far as to say: "It's not personal, it's business." With respect, Lord Sugar, what the hell are you talking about?
Even he changed his tune pretty quickly, though, in the very same Boardroom warning the candidates that they'd soon be ripping out each other's life support machines to charge their phones. This is a man who knows the pain of a low-battery warning.
Lord Sugar also bafflingly asked the candidates not to moan – or to email lordsugar@idontcare.com if they had a particular complaint. This also, naturally, fell on deaf ears with so much whining in the final Boardroom that we expected someone to have a dummy stuffed in their gob and get sent to the naughty step.
Still, there were some candidates in the process keen to see the bright side. Jessica Cunningham is an absolutely fascinating creation of a woman who describes herself as the female Jim Carrey and was so exuberant when she met Lord Sugar that Karren Brady had to ask her to breathe.
Fat chance of that; we can't imagine Jessica has time for breathing when there's so much life to be living – whether it's pretending to drop precious antiques or smirking Bake Off style about jugs (not once, but twice, just in case you didn't get the joke the first time). "Let's not be too excitable," doomed project manager Michelle pleaded. "HAVE YOU MET ME?" Jessica shrieked. We're thrilled we have, to be honest – especially as we've already spotted a bit of side-eye which hints at depths still to come with this particular budding entrepreneur.
And then there's Karthik Nagesan, who is essentially the distillation of an Apprentice candidate. We don't even really know where to begin with Karthik, who – as an example – proudly shows off his monobrow as proof that he doesn't follow the crowd.
From calling the women "chicks" (bound to go down well) to posing in the mirror ("I LOVE YOU!") to sniffing at a wad of cash and glorifying in the smell of money, Karthik is probably just about everything that is wrong in society and just about everything we adore watching on The Apprentice. So there you have it.
If there was a problem with this opening episode of The Apprentice – which was, of course, fist-chewingly entertaining – it's that there was almost no tension whatsoever. It was clear pretty early on that the women were going nowhere fast (in the opposite direction to their van driver – what a camera shot that was).
Despite Lord Sugar's clear instructions to be careful with pricing, the women sold items willy-nilly for whatever measly amount of pennies they could get; they spent forever asking for expert advice and then completely ignored all of it in favour of their "gut feeling" (poor Ian the expert). The men, on the other hand, sold at high prices, never lingered too long, seemed to have a vague idea of what they were doing and listened to advice from nearby traders. It was only ever going one way.
In fact, the men managed to shift one item worth £7 for £175, which appears to be something to celebrate in The Apprentice rather than a case for trading standards. Still, it's a rather neat metaphor for The Apprentice candidates, isn't it? A load of old toot buffed up and presented as classics?
Of course, the cracks are already starting to show – and they've only had one 3am wake-up so far. The arguments are coming, the whining has started, the alpha males are starting to wilt in their Moss Bros suits and Lord Sugar is lapping it all right up. Don't be fooled by his "no whining" mantra. He wants everyone to be torn apart to limp desperately across the finish line, begging for his mercy (and his money). In fact, first eliminee Michelle probably got away just in time.
LORD SUGAR'S BEST BIT: Sausage love. "Oliver, you run a sausage business," he told one candidate upon first meeting him. "Cumberland sausages? I like Cumberland sausages, I have to say." That was it. The entire extent of the interrogation. Oliver may go far, purely on the strength of his bangers. (Later, Lord Sugar genuinely dubbed him 'Oliver Porkos'.)
BIZARRE BULLSHIT OF THE WEEK: "I've managed a few teams. I can multi-task. I've spent quite a bit of time watching Bargain Hunt." Paul's successful pitch for the project manager job, there, folks – yep, apparently an intimate knowledge of daytime television points to business acumen rather than the fact that you've frequently found yourself on the sofa in the middle of the afternoon. But what do we know? His team did win.
The Apprentice airs on Thursdays at 9pm on BBC One.